We Found Something

"Hello, Mrs. Brittain, we found something on your mammogram and we need to recheck it."

A week ago I went to a mammogram event where there was wine served and dessert and men waiting on all the women wearing pink feather boas. I almost didn't go - i was too tired and I just didn't feel like going, but I did - thank God I did.

"We found a mass on your left breast and we need to recheck it. When is a good time to come in?"

June 30, 2004 was one of the happiest days of my entire life. My beautiful son, Chase, was born. It was sunny and beautiful outside and I didn't care if I even went outside again. I was holding my newborn son and in complete heaven. I wouldn't let him sleep in the bassinet because I wanted to hold him and I ended up holding him while he slept for the next two years! I didn't care, this was my baby and he was perfect.

November 7, 2007 was another perfect day. It was freezing cold and rainy and I had pneumonia but my daughter was born. She was the tiniest thing I had ever seen in my life - 5 pounds. She wasn't getting food from me any longer so the doctors decided to induce. I was miserable - coughing, sneezing and my epidural decided to quit 5 minutes before I had to push. But all of the sudden - here she was. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

"When we compared your last mammogram from 2005, we saw that there were some masses THAT HAVE GROWN and we want to recheck them." MASSES THAT HAVE BEEN GROWING FOR THE PAST FIVE YEARS.
"I can come in tomorrow."

I went in and had a second mammogram where my breast was apparently trying out for the part of a tortilla so we could confirm what we already knew.

"Can I see the mass?"

"Of course."

I looked and saw on the screen what looked like sand sprinkled all throughout my breast. It was even glowing. I thought to myself, "as if it has any right to try to look pretty."

The doctor came in and old me that there is an 85% chance that it's nothing. Sucks for the 15% which I could very well be in. However, if it is, there is a good chance that it is caught early and my chance of survival is excellent.

I work out so hard to the point where I think my 40 year old body will break in half. I eat a vegetarian diet with no processed foods and no soft drinks and no sugar. I take a metric ton of supplements that are supposed to prevent things like that this from happening. And yet, here it is - a mass - growing - possibly killing me.

There was a time in my life before children where I was so depressed that I, at times, begged God to take me right then and there. Now when I look at my children and their beautiful, blue eyes and all I want to do is live. I want to see them grow and be parents and do whatever it is that they will do. I want to see them play and sleep and just be. I have to be here for that and I will do whatever I can do to make sure that happens.

I have a biopsy next week and soon after that I will learn what is growing and taking over my breast. I will defeat this - I have a mission to be here for my children and I have promised them I will be here for them and protect them. So if it's cancer, I will defeat it. I will.